A - Alcohol: The key to surviving college
B - Beer: It's whats for dinner
C - Class: What you're supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party
D - Dancing: A favourite pastime of almost every drunk usually looks pathetic
E - Emergency: The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party
F - Fucked Up: Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out
G - Games: Anything that involves cards, quarters and chugging beers
H - Hang-over: Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank
I - Imbibe: Eh, just another word for DRINK!
J - Jail: Where you'll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home
K - Kissing: What you'll do to anything that moves after 15 beers
L - Lord: Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol
M - Money: That which you no longer have due to too much partying
N - Not Again!: What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don't know
O - Oh shit!- What you say as you're falling down the stairs
P - Pee: What you have to do every five minutes while you're drinking beer
Q - Quilt: What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning-YUCK!
R - Reform: What you promise god you will do while you're puking in the toilet
S - Sex: What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk
T - Twenty-four: The number of beers it takes ME to get drunk
U - Underage: Most of the drinking population in college town
V - Vodka: The mother of all alcohols and the best way to make Jelly
W - Worm: The part of Tequila that reminds you of the porcelin god
X - X-Ray: How they can see into your stomach before they pump it (detox)
Y - Yourself: The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week-end
Z - Zima: Zomething Different
10 Drinking Symptoms
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; lash self to bar.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
50 Reasons Why Beer is Better Than a Man
- A beer makes life easier.
- A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
- A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
- A beer is kinky only when you want it to be.
- A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry.
- A beer will never leave dirty socks on the floor.
- A beer will never expect you to sit in the wet spot IT makes.
- A beer doesn't care if you go shopping.
- A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits.
- A beer won't leave you for a younger woman.
- Having a beer can't make you pregnant.
- A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
- A beer will never smell like a man.
- A beer doesn't wouldn't trade you in on a sports car.
- If a beer did have a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you.
- A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
- A beer doesn't sulk.
- A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine.
- A beer won't switch the TV channel.
- A beer doesn't have to sleep with the windows open.
- A beer doesn't snore.
- A beer can't interrupt.
- A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator.
- A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
- A beer doesn't belch.
- A beer doesn't mind having pantyhose dry in the bathroom.
- A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
- A good beer is easy to find.
- Tall, dark, good-looking beers are common.
- A beer can't pout.
- A beer doesn't have a mother.
- A beer doesn't have friends who will drink your beer.
- A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car.
- A beer won't get jealous if you enjoy another beer.
- A beer won't even mind if you have another six pack.
- A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo".
- A beer won't care if you gain five pounds.
- A beer will be there for anytime of the month.
- A beer doesn't want children.
- A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
- A beer isn't ready until you're ready.
- If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer.
- A beer can't talk about the women who had it before you.
- Hangovers go away.
- A beer tastes good.
- Having a beer doesn't make you want to take a shower.
- A beer is never late.
- A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
- A beer's life does not revolve around the AFL grand final.
- A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Eagles forward.
20 Signs You Are Too Drunk
- You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
- You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
- Job interfering with your drinking.
- Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
- Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
- The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
- Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
- 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
- Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
- You can focus better with one eye closed.
- The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
- You fall off the floor.
- Your twin sons are named Jim and Jack.
- Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
- Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
- At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
- Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
- You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
- The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
- You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men].