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Drinker's Alphabet

A - Alcohol: The key to surviving college

B - Beer: It's whats for dinner

C - Class: What you're supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party

D - Dancing: A favourite pastime of almost every drunk usually looks pathetic

E - Emergency: The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party

F - Fucked Up: Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out

G - Games: Anything that involves cards, quarters and chugging beers

H - Hang-over: Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank

I - Imbibe: Eh, just another word for DRINK!

J - Jail: Where you'll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home

K - Kissing: What you'll do to anything that moves after 15 beers

L - Lord: Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol

M - Money: That which you no longer have due to too much partying

N - Not Again!: What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don't know

O - Oh shit!- What you say as you're falling down the stairs

P - Pee: What you have to do every five minutes while you're drinking beer

Q - Quilt: What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning-YUCK!

R - Reform: What you promise god you will do while you're puking in the toilet

S - Sex: What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk

T - Twenty-four: The number of beers it takes ME to get drunk

U - Underage: Most of the drinking population in college town

V - Vodka: The mother of all alcohols and the best way to make Jelly

W - Worm: The part of Tequila that reminds you of the porcelin god

X - X-Ray: How they can see into your stomach before they pump it (detox)

Y - Yourself: The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week-end

Z - Zima: Zomething Different

10 Drinking Symptoms

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; lash self to bar.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION: Panic.

50 Reasons Why Beer is Better Than a Man
  1. A beer makes life easier.
  2. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
  3. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
  4. A beer is kinky only when you want it to be.
  5. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry.
  6. A beer will never leave dirty socks on the floor.
  7. A beer will never expect you to sit in the wet spot IT makes.
  8. A beer doesn't care if you go shopping.
  9. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits.
  10. A beer won't leave you for a younger woman.
  11. Having a beer can't make you pregnant.
  12. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
  13. A beer will never smell like a man.
  14. A beer doesn't wouldn't trade you in on a sports car.
  15. If a beer did have a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you.
  16. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
  17. A beer doesn't sulk.
  18. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine.
  19. A beer won't switch the TV channel.
  20. A beer doesn't have to sleep with the windows open.
  21. A beer doesn't snore.
  22. A beer can't interrupt.
  23. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator.
  24. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
  25. A beer doesn't belch.
  26. A beer doesn't mind having pantyhose dry in the bathroom.
  27. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
  28. A good beer is easy to find.
  29. Tall, dark, good-looking beers are common.
  30. A beer can't pout.
  31. A beer doesn't have a mother.
  32. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink your beer.
  33. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car.
  34. A beer won't get jealous if you enjoy another beer.
  35. A beer won't even mind if you have another six pack.
  36. A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo".
  37. A beer won't care if you gain five pounds.
  38. A beer will be there for anytime of the month.
  39. A beer doesn't want children.
  40. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
  41. A beer isn't ready until you're ready.
  42. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer.
  43. A beer can't talk about the women who had it before you.
  44. Hangovers go away.
  45. A beer tastes good.
  46. Having a beer doesn't make you want to take a shower.
  47. A beer is never late.
  48. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
  49. A beer's life does not revolve around the AFL grand final.
  50. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Eagles forward.
20 Signs You Are Too Drunk
  1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
  2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
  3. Job interfering with your drinking.
  4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
  5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
  6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
  7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
  8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
  9. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
  10. You can focus better with one eye closed.
  11. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
  12. You fall off the floor.
  13. Your twin sons are named Jim and Jack.
  14. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
  15. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
  16. At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
  17. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
  18. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
  19. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
  20. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men].

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